“We’re going to need to schedule you for a biopsy.”
The words caught me by surprise. I immediately stopped scrolling through my phone and froze at the thought, “What will happen to my children if I die?” Finding suspicious tissue during a mammogram was not a new experience. This had happened several times before, but no one had ever asked for a biopsy.
The next four months were a tumultuous episode of fear as a failed attempt at a biopsy led to weeks of waiting for answers and a plan. It was tempting to pretend like nothing was wrong, to forget that evil might be growing under my skin and go about life as though nothing had happened. Life was certainly marching forward as a heavy work load and a busy family life left little time to process the situation.
Most of the storms that overtake us in life do so as suddenly as the cancer scare I had a few years ago. An ordinary day, a routine mammogram, or a simple drive to work can abruptly lead to chaos and catastrophe.
I can’t help but wonder if this is how the disciples felt in Matthew chapter 8. Jesus had given orders to go to the other side of the sea. He got into the boat, decided to go to sleep and believed He would wake up on the other side. Yet verse 24 says, “Out of nowhere a vicious storm blew over the sea,” (The Voice). Just as the waves of the sea lapped into the boat “threatening to overtake it” (verse 24), my mind often becomes tossed about in worry and fear when unexpected circumstances threaten the wellbeing of myself or my family. My head plays out a hundred different “what if” scenarios that rob me of the restful voyage that Christ intended. Just as the disciples were frightened and confused when they found Jesus sleeping (verse 25), I too, can feel like the heavens are shut and Jesus is oblivious to my storm or my cries. My prayers usually feel unanswered as fear swirls and hinders my ability to discern God’s presence in the midst of my situation. Over and over this has occurred in my life in situations both large and small.
The thing I find most striking about this story is that once the disciples shook Jesus awake, He looked at them and said, “What are you so afraid of, you of little faith?” (verse 26). At first, this question leaves me a bit dumbfounded. Isn’t it obvious that they are afraid of dying? Why would Jesus ask?
Recently as I sat with the Lord meditating on this story, it became clear. Although the fear at the forefront of the disciples’ minds was that of drowning in the sea, Jesus was referring to the deeper fear lurking in their hearts. As He often does, He was probing beneath the surface and addressing the state of their spirituality. He was not the least bit upset that they chose to wake Him. He was more concerned with their lack of faith, the fear that He would not come through for them in their time of need,and their lack of trust that they would make it to where He intended them to go.
Matthew Henry writes, “Christ’s disciples are apt to be disquieted with fears in a stormy day, to torment themselves with jealousies that things are bad with them, and dismal conclusions that they will be worse,” (Matthew Henry’s Commentary). If I had a dollar for every time I have done this, I think I’d be a millionaire. It truly saddens me how often I have allowed fear to overtake my mind.
Yet, just as Jesus spoke, “Peace, Be still!” to the storm the disciples were facing (Mark 4:39 NKJV), He wants to do the same to the storm in our minds. We do not have to be overcome by fear in the midst of life’s sudden squalls. There is a peace that passes all understanding and we can access it if we choose to not only believe, but to experience the promise that He will never leave us or forsake us and that He will never fail (Phil. 4:6-7; Heb. 13:5; Josh. 1:5). Is it hard? Yes! Disciplining one’s mind to rest in the promises of God in the middle of difficult circumstances is not an easy feat. I may have to pray countless breath prayers and return to Christ’s empathetic Holy Spirit over and over again, but take it from someone who has learned the hard way, peace is worth the persistence.
The next time life takes you by surprise, my prayer is that you would have the courage to be honest with yourself and the Father. Take the time to sit with Him and ask “What am I really afraid of?” and allow Him to whisper peace to your soul.
-Liz